


In the morning, darling, I'll be gone.

by bluestockng



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Mutual Pining, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 05:12:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13674951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluestockng/pseuds/bluestockng
Summary: His mouth lingered just a moment too long above her own.  Her eyes pleaded the words she could not voice:Don’t go!  Don’t leave me now.  Don’t leave me, ever.





	In the morning, darling, I'll be gone.

_Damn him._

Jyn collapsed upon her cot as the empty bottle of Correlian ale clattered into the waste basket. _Damn me_. One by one, she wrenched off her work boots and threw them onto the floor. _Damn us both._

She wasn’t angry at him, exactly, she wasn’t even angry with herself. She couldn’t expect him to stay here with her—for her—when she meant nothing to him at all. He’d announced at dinner to the entire crew, no less, that he had accepted a mission from Leia. Leaving tomorrow morning, he’d said.

“I won’t be back,” he’d whispered, averting his gaze.

He’d opened his arms for her, of course, but still he refused to hold her close. Jyn wanted to press herself to his chest as she had on Scarif, wanted to feel the beat of his heart against hers. She needed to know that he was real before he left forever. But when she pulled away, he couldn’t even meet her eyes. Jyn couldn’t blame him; she’d ruined everything, after all, by making something out of nothing. Greedy for a life she didn’t deserve, Jyn overreached and fell hard. But, she’d never counted on surviving in the first place. 

If she could relive her life, if she could just have another chance to rewrite the trajectory of her life, what moment might she choose? She had a long list of mistakes and misdeeds to choose from, after all. Still, a few memories stood out against the chaotic backdrop of her life: Saw Gerrera’s face in the distance disappearing amongst rock and rubble; her father bleeding out in the rain; Cassian Andor leaning against her in that lift, both a moment from death…

There were a million words that could’ve fallen from her lips. There were a million apologizes to make, a million crimes to forgive, and yet she’d remained silent. Jyn had seen the blood soaking through his tunic, she’d felt it with her own two hands as she tried to hold his body together. Even as he began to slip away, he still thought of her, comforted her, held her. She needed only to let him in. Or so she thought. 

Scarif grew quiet around them—as they hurtled towards their demise, the world seemed to shrink around them, drawing them ever closer. He’d looked at her with those lovely brown eyes and she allowed herself, however briefly, to imagine a life for herself far away. Usually, Jyn banished sentimentality from her mind. Sentimentality got you killed, she always said. But in that lift, as they approached the beach, approached death, she’d realized that it didn’t really matter anymore. Jyn’s life was always lost by catastrophic loss, a burden which she’d born for twenty-two years. Those seconds spent so close to Cassian brought the profound tragedy of her existence into sharp relief. Finally, she had found a person who could understand her, who she could trust to never leave. We could’ve been everything to each other if only we’d had the chance, she’d thought. 

Sometimes the pit she dug for herself got a little too deep and the thought of sharing the darker parts of herself with someone else terrified her. But he had seen into her very soul that day as he followed her willingly into the dark. She’d thrown all caution to the wind and kissed him as she’d never kissed anyone before or would ever kiss anyone again. Cassian looked as shocked as she felt, but he did not pull away. She could see their future together across that beautiful Scarif sea. 

Jyn let her feelings get the best of her. It hadn’t meant a thing.

Perhaps it would have been better, easier, more romantic, had they both died on Scarif. She could have died believing that their story of half-star-crossed lovers might inspire the rebellion. Instead, she’d been met by the harsh reality of rejection. What had she expected?

Had she really thought that he loved her? Did she really think he could ever choose her over the rebellion? He barely knew her! To Cassian, she’d been a name on a long rap sheet and a means to an end. That pleading in his eyes was just the determination and fear of a man accepting death. She’d been the one, the stupid, stupid one, to twist it and read it wrong. Jyn invented a love story where none belonged. She could see it all so clearly now. Instead of gaining his affection and devotion, she’d alienated the only person who might ever have a chance to understand. If she hadn’t been greedy, hadn’t been desperate, she might have found a friend amongst the ruins of her life. Jyn laughed bitterly as she began to search for a full bottle.

 

Cassian had spent many a cold, dismal night in his life. As a spy and saboteur, he could count the number of truly comfortable nights’ sleep on one hand. He’d tied himself to the trunk of a tree in some accursed jungle, napped under a bridge with a gang of cutthroats and beggars, and fought off rest for three days while tracking a target. And yet, somehow, the most torturous night by far was spent without Jyn Erso at his side.

She’d kissed him and he’d kissed her back and she had looked at him with those beautiful eyes with such expectation and wonder, willing him to say the words at the tip of his tongue. He’d wanted to tell her, but he’d spent twenty-six years believing that love was weakness. When she’d approached them after their rescue, he’d turned away from her. Pushed her away from him. Made an excuse. Told a lie.

She hated him now, he could see it plainly on her face. When he hugged her goodbye he’d wrapped his arms around her, planned to hold her as long as he dared, but she’d pulled away first. Jyn Erso needed better than a coward. He’d pushed her away, forced her from his arms along with any chance of her ever sharing his bed. 

When she’d kissed him, he’d almost believed for a moment that he was worthy of trust and of love. In the moment after, however, Cassian reminded himself that he deserved neither. If Jyn Erso had felt something for him in that lift, it was surely gone now. Any fleeting attraction had been destroyed, he knew, by his own foolishness and his many trespasses against her trust. If even some small tiny of her still cared for him, he would give her the space she needed to forget about him. He wouldn’t let her see how much it hurt.

Maybe, in time, he would forget the feeling of Jyn in his arms as they hurtled towards mutual destruction. Maybe, in time, the memory of her kiss would fade into nothingness. 

_Another lie._

Cassian might be a consummate professional after so many years, but he could see right through himsef. A lifetime without her, he knew, would be agony. It was ridiculous, he knew, to think that she might want a future with him. Shame gripped him. What must she think of him and his past? Spy, liar, murderer. First, he had betrayed her father and then he’d betrayed her. People like Cassian Andor were better left alone, he’d decided. Better to hurt spies and criminals and informants than to hurt her. Better to hurt himself. Cassian could become Fulcrum once more and pretend that Jyn Erso never rocketed into his life; he would go on haunted, but she might learn to laugh again. She could love someone who might return it without restraint. As always, he would use his work to cover a multitude of fears and mistakes.

Now, the distance between them felt as palpable as the emptiness beside him in bed. Cassian stretched out an arm, imagining what it might be like to feel her beside him filling the void even for a moment. Warm, tender. Suddenly vivid memories of Jyn fighting Stormtroopers hand to hand flooded his mind.

_Maybe not tender._

He could think of no better moment in his life than when she’d hugged him on Scarif. That hug, he thought, might just sustain him for the rest of his days. As time passed, he might begin to think less often of her. The finer details like the shine in her eyes, the feeling of her callouses hands, and that bright smile might blur into a faded shade of the woman he’d known. Years from now—long after he’d forgotten the ring of her voice—he might lay in another bed on another planet. Cassian would be a little grey around the temples, a little haggard and a bit thinner but he’d still be alone. Weeks might’ve gone by without her haunting his thoughts, but then just before falling asleep he’d recall her face and the way she’d looked at him. He’d toss and turn for hours, never quite escaping from her memory but still unable to hold on to each detail long enough.

In the morning, he would be a world away from her. Within weeks, maybe even days, she would become a stranger to him. Well, if Cassian Andor were to spend the rest of his life mourning their what-might-have beens he wanted to see her one last time. She wouldn’t even need to know, he reasoned. He just needed a moment to capture her image for the rest of his days even if it was only from a distance. 

Cassian didn’t know what he was doing or where he was going, only that he must get there. In a flash, he’d pulled on his trousers and threw on his boots. Cassian had already walked halfway out the door before coming face to face with a mildly wobbly-legged Jyn Erso.

Not just any Jyn Erso, he quickly realized, but a bathrobe-clad Jyn Erso.

 

After a moment of stunned silence, Jyn returned to herself. The ale clouded her mind, but only a bit. After a few shots, her grief had turned to frustration and then to longing. She couldn’t loose him tomorrow without making one last ditch effort to correct her mistakes. She only hoped he’d listen.

“I just wanted to say goodbye. Properly.”

“We already have.” 

“Where were you going just now?”

Jyn might be the drunk one, but Cassian was clearly caught off guard. A strange pained expression flitted across his face before he quickly regained his composure.

“It doesn’t matter.”

He took a step closer, but she saw hesitation in the movement. If he was toying with her, or angry with her, she’d already sunk the ship. Might as well ride it the whole way down if all was lost anyway. One foot in front of the other she approached him. She tried to ignore the sight of him in the half-light; slender stomach but strong shoulders. Where had he been headed so fast without a shirt? 

“It matters to me,” she whispered. It would take more than a kiss. She couldn’t mess it up like before. Why did his eyes keep flickering to the door? Why wasn’t he saying anything?

Cassian didn’t even look shocked to see her anymore. He was staring at her as if he had never seen her before. Jyn boldly stared right back. In one long stride he stood directly before her. If she wanted to kiss him she’d need to stand up taller but she wasn’t sure she could trust her legs.

“I was going to see you,” his voice sounded faint, but there was no mistaking the words. His lips were so close to her own, for he leaned down to her height. Jyn stretched out her fingers, a hair’s breath from his skin. She longed to touch him fully; to follow her fingers with a hot trail of kisses. The bed was close if only she dared.

His mouth lingered just a moment too long above her own. Her eyes pleaded the words she could not voice: 

_Don’t go! Don’t leave me now. Don’t leave me, ever._

Had she spoken them out loud?

 

The doubts which tortured Cassian’s mind just a moment before evaporated in an instant. He leaned over and carefully kissed her full on the lips. She tasted of spirits and cigarellos, but he didn’t mind because Jyn Erso was finally in his arms once more. He longed to untie her bath robe and warm her body against his own, but he remained reticent. There were so many things to talk about and so many apologies to make when they came up for air. There would be time for sex later. Maybe in a month or a week or just an hour before dawn. But for now, he would kiss her as often as she would let him. Cassian didn’t know where they might go—and her kisses made him too woozy to much care beyond the moment—but the one thing he knew for certain? Cassian would never again worry about forgetting any part of her.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and Happy Valentine's Day! This is my gift for the lovely @coppernailpolish for @therebelcaptainnetwork Secret Valentine! I hope you enjoy and that it "hurts" just enough (but in a good way!)
> 
> PS: If you like what you read, hop on over to tumblr where you can find me @bluestockng.


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